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...that SKIRT in the Stands
A women's point of view of the games men love

by: julia

While men claim to be king at spectator sports, women are the true spectators. Ever heard the phrase, “Can’t see the forest for the trees?”

Well, when it comes to spectator sports, women see the forest while our male counterparts are happy looking at just the trees. I am not the most avid sports fan. I’ll happily admit that unless the game is close, I’m ready to wander back to the tailgate by the fourth quarter.

But being a spectator is more than just watching the action on the field, and this is why women excel at spectator sports. While men are buried in their brews, chilidogs and scorecards, women are the ones who are really watching. Don’t give me a hard time because I don’t know Greg Maddux’s stats; I can tell you the precise location of every hoochie and drunk in our section, the details of the Beer Girl’s last date, and the lost luggage ordeal of the visitors sitting in front of us. Who says women don’t keep score?

I’m not writing about all men or all women, just about the ones I know. And of the ones I know, the men go to sporting events for the game and the women go for… well, for everything. Women are natural multi-taskers. We are not amused by athletics alone; we must feed our brains with other stimuli. This is why we chatter incessantly throughout the game.

Our husbands, boyfriends, and male buddies holler at the refs as if they might actually change a call because someone yells, “Are you f-ing blind?!?”

Meanwhile, we are finding out who is f-ing who at work, at the country club, at the sorority, or wherever. It’s not that women aren’t sports fans. I know women who can out-trivia any man in the stands and will give you a dirty look for striking up a conversation during kickoff. (I also know women who pick their favorite players based more on the shape of their asses than the shape of their stats.) But for most of us, the joy of attending a spectator sport is being a spectator. That means watching everything.

If live sports were simply about stats and what happens on the field, everyone would subscribe to Sports Illustrated and watch the game on cable. Something greater draws people to the stands. Guys go to yap about the game and feel the rush of a crowd united behind one cause (to beat the hell out of the other team).

Women take this concept a step further. As we watch, we yap about the game, the other fans, the ushers, the hue of the clay against the blue of the sky, the nuances of life, the aesthetics of modern architecture in the scope of arena construction, the whole ball of wax.

So when you see that Skirt in the Stands checking her neighbor’s tan lines, remember that it’s not out of disinterest. She is simply exercising her great multi-tasking capacity by keeping tabs on everything occurring in the stands and on the field. She is being the true spectator.